I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
