STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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