What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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