Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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