theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
