my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
