Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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