I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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