i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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