Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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