I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
