and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
