You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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