Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Randomize
