i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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