I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Screwed.edu
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
