did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
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