just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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