I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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