I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize