I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
