I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
