I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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