i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
