Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
