and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
