woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
