Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
