If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
