I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize