Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
