I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
