You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
