soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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