the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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