I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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