Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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