Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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