is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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