It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
