Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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