Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
