i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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