My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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