Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I want to fling myself into the sun
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
