totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
