Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
