Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
