just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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