if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Randomize
