it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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