she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
