Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize