i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
