It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My vagina just clenched in fear
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
