let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
