This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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