We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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