i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
