I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
