my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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