i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
