Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
