so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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