Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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