Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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